Wednesday, February 18, 2009

And here it comes again...(warning: Read at your own risk)

...the questions, the second-guessing, the thoughts of what-if...for months I've had trouble sleeping...thoughts of my Pop and bringing him home often flood my mind as soon as I stand still. Sometimes I think to myself did we do enough, but mostly I think did I do enough. It's obviously not rational, and I'm intelligent enough to know that...and I know that most of us will be fortunate to pass away at home, but really, in my mind, anything that has the result of him not being here anymore seems like failure... I want a do-over. Because I read the news and read an article like this one where three sisters posted an ad on craigslist (an online classified ad site) and found their father a kidney. Because I didn't take out a billboard looking for a donor. because I didn't buy organs... Because doing what was right and not prolonging someone's suffering doesn't feel right when that person is gone. I know he felt lucky that he outlived the predictions, but it still wasn't enough. And I hate hearing or reading about these miraculous stories, because they make me feel like if I had done something differently, if I had had the same idea, that things would be different. No, it's not rational, and no, it's not nice to say...but it's hard everyday, and since I'm only human, I can only take so much. Last week, Little Man told me he wanted to make a Valentine card for Pop Pop so that when Pop Pop gets better and wants to come back from heaven, he can give it to him... I choked on the emotion that came up from my chest. I want to understand why things are this way, why it was Pop's time, everything, but I haven't gotten there yet, I don't know if I ever will...

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

the second guessing has driven me places where I've just about gone insane myself. Maybe at some point in time we will be able to get involved in transplant advocacy...so people don't need to be at deaths door before someone pays attention. Right now, all we can identify with is our profound loss and a man who was so respected for going along with the transplant system for all those years...when they did nothing for him but keep him stable enough .

Anonymous said...

Since you basically are a rational person and I am a heathcare professional..we never thought of trying to cheat the transplant system by advertising or wanting to buy organs. No matter what ifs there are..his loss is hard to bear, its not fair,and in the long run..being "stable" didn't win in the end...it makes my job as a nurse feel like a slap in the face...a very hard slap..Mom

Anonymous said...

I know that all of us are going through this in our own way, and wonder what we couldve done differently. But really I think that we did it all just right, by doing things the way he wanted it.During my sleepless nights, I try to remember the laughs, the things he taught me and the fact that he really wouldnt want us to be this hurt. Im so sorry that you have to explain this to Little guy..I know it must be hard. Just remember how much Daddy loved him.

Connie said...

I am so sorry that you have been feeling so bad and missing your dad so much lately. It is so hard when we lose someone we love so much. You are a wonderful person Rose and I know your dad loved you very much and knew what a wonderful person you are. This too shall pass...you are in my prayers.